Its easy to forget…


It very easy, when I am stood in front of you, to forget that once upon a time, I couldn’t hardly even walk a step. That I struggled to string sentences together, and hold a conversation. I couldn’t think properly, remember properly. That I would often stand up, then instantly fall down. That I sent 2 years of my life, mostly bedridden. That I had to use a mobility scooter to get about, 2 walking sticks, and a stair lift to get upstairs.

I was diagnosed with Brain damage in my memory centre, and also brain damage where my balance centre communicates with my brain, hence why I kept falling over. I couldn’t even look at patterned floors without my poor brain getting confused, and getting horrendous vertigo.

Being told I have M.E almost seemed wrong, but that the diagnosis the neurologist gave me. They don’t know what caused the inflammatory damage in my brain, but its still there, there is no cure. So I had to learn to manage.

I fought really hard to come back from this, I had specialist physiotherapy, and still have to fight every single day. I am literally covered in bruises where I constantly lose my balance and smack into things. My memory is horrendous.

I do ok with a bit of help from gadgets to remember to do things, but it’s a bit of a running joke with my hubby, and best mate, about my lack of memory…

I am in constant pain, its hard to imagine that, when you look at me, and I am smiling, or laughing, or having a joke, I have become great at hiding it. When you see me hobbling, thats because its so bad I can’t hide it. Some days every step can be pure agony. I was eventually additionally diagnosed with Fibro as well, just to add insult to injury.

My mum got me a pony and it was my pony that became my therapy pony, he saved me from becoming too depressed and gave me a reason to keep fighting, and then eventually led to Spirit my wonder horse.

Spirit helps me fight every day, and now he has laminitis and is sick himself, I fight for him. I have to do it at my own pace but I fight for him. It’s frustrating when people don’t understand why I can’t do this, or can’t do that, but its not because I don’t want to, its because some days I just physically can’t do it. To have to explain constantly that I can’t do it because I have physical


restrictions, is tiring, especially when I am sometimes met with disbelief or told, why do I have a horse, or some other such thing, which people have said to me in the past.




People get exasperated with me because I have forgotten something for the umpteenth time, and when I try to explain and say sorry, its my ME/Fibro, and they think I am just making excuses.

I actually had someone say that to me today ‘stop using your M.E as an excuse’. They just can’t see how far I have come. The fact that I am even standing in front of them, trying to explain anything, is actually a small miracle in itself.

But it does hurt! People say things without thinking or understanding, and it really hurts. I get really upset…I got really upset. This person made me cry. I spent all morning really upset about it. Then I have to remind myself, of how far I have come. Sometimes I think people who react negatively just don’t understand or comprehend how hurtful they are being.

I always do my best, and try my hardest.

We all cope differently, to our own challenges in life. We are individuals and we all do things in our own way.

All I ask is that people try to understand, and try to not get frustrated with me, I can’t help it, I don’t do it on purpose, I am not doing it to annoy you. Try to see how far I HAVE come. I am pretty proud of me to be honest.

About silvermaneuk

Known as Nicky Turner-Sterling at school, and married and became Field. Got divorced, now Turner-Sterling again. Married to Kristopher and kept my maiden name. Nicknames are Betty, Knickers or Nicky. I am a mom to 3 great kids. I have been diagnosed with CFS/ME & Fbromyalgia and I also have neurological problems. I am registered disabled. So I have good days and bad days. Sometimes really bad days, where I cant get out of bed. But I try not to let it hold me back, I have to work with my limitations, but after a long period of being bedridden I finally got back to working albeit part time. I seem to be constantly on a diet lol. I love photography, I love my computers, and often create digital art on it. I love to read, and I love to listen to music, passionate about photography. I love to travel and look at beautiful places.I love to mooch around shops (especially the £1 shop lol) and stuff. I love to bake and cook. Love my animals, have 4 small dogs,4 cats and 1, 8 year old pony. Spirit is my best friend, I trained him, so I could ride him for physio therapy, and trained him so I could ride with as low impact as possible. Riding helps my pelvis and hips. When I dont ride it affects my gait, and I can hardly walk, so it is an excellent form of physio therapy for me. It can also make me flare badly, so I have to get the balance right. He's bitless, barefoot and treeless, he really looks after me, and makes it possible for me to have my dream, and he gave me hope again. If my physio hadn't encouraged to to try horse riding for therapy, I probably would still be bedridden. A disabled rider can do it, with the right tools! and pace pace pace! I can talk the hind leg of a donkey and snore for England. I get bored very quickly, which means I tend to flit from one thing to another, or do more than one thing at once lol.

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