Dont poke the crazies…

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I moved to a new yard 6 months ago and to start with everything went well. Really loved it there. One of the liverys who had been there 2 years left under a strange cloud, almost did a moonlight flit, and before she left she tried to warn me about the Yard Owner, but the yard owner  seemed perfectly nice, so I thought it was just sour grapes.

However I was very wrong, the Yard owner was like Jekyll and Hyde, and you never know which one your going to meet, the lovely chirpy ‘have a cup of tea, and a chat’… or the angry constantly hen pecking, bully.

Unfortunately I have been having to deal with the latter a lot. She has literally over the last 3 months, had me in tears. She belittled my disability, and humiliated me in front of other Liveries. She constantly picked on me, often about the most ridiculous things, (and other liveries), to the point you literally cannot do anything right. She never apologises, for anything, even though its blatantly obvious she is in the wrong.

Although I loved the yard, I just couldn’t cope anymore as she was making me really anxious, and stressed out, to the point I dreaded going to the yard.

So I said I was leaving. My livery runs from the 12th-12th, but my new yard runs from the 1st, so I said I was leaving the 31st, but paid upt the 12th April. I very delicately told her why I was leaving, as she seemed mystified. Its like she could not see her behaviour at all.

On the morning everything went pear shaped, 21st March. I arrived as usual to sort dude out and I was busy poo picking in the woodland, when she arrived, and she very chirply said “good morning lovely”, I returned the greeting, thinking ‘PHEW’, as she has been quite off with me since I said I was leaving. There had been yet another incident in Facebook messenger, on the previous Saturday, and so I had removed myself from the group, and asked her to deal with me directly as I did not think she could effectively communicate on Facebook.

She asked me about what hay I put into the woodland and I said I just filled the 3 empty nets, and put them back in, and I carried on poo picking. I was just putting wheelbarrow back and she came out of the barn, and asked me what the pile of hay was in the woodland. There was a tiny pile of hay.

I said, it’s the dregs from the nets. So she started yelling at me, well then they weren’t EMPTY then we’re they, emphasising the word empty very aggressively. Then I said well they had the dregs in the bottom , and you (as in the Yard owner) have always said don’t put new hay, on top of old, and empty the dregs out, so they can eat them.

Which is exactly what I did, in a neat pile. So then she shouted again, so they weren’t EMPTY then, as you said they were EMPTY!!! She was doing this weird thing were her hands, making the word empty more aggressive, and she was beetroot at this point.

I said, very puzzled, as I placed the poo picker back,  “I am a bit unsure why your building this into a drama, as you have specifically told me not to put new hay on old hay, and you have told me, to always empty the dregs out, and so I just did what you said, and put the dregs onto one pile, so they weren’t all over the place”. Unfortunately on saying this, she then she kinda went postal. Her eyes lit up in anger, and a kinda craziness, But they weren’t EMPTY!! You said they were EMPTY, and they werent EMPTY

At this point I am thinking WTF is wrong with her???? I said, “I think your making a mountain out of a molehill”, and she shouted. “I probably am!?????” Then started yelling at me that she wants me to “piss off, and leave”, and I said “if you refund my livery I can go”, she said (even though it don’t actually have a contract) “No you have to pay 4 weeks notice” so no she won’t. So I said I don’t know what you expect me to do then.

Then she started saying all the mums are keeping their kids away from me, because I am depressive apparently?? I didn’t believe this, as I had only just the day before, had a lovely time on the yard, with one of them, and gifted them a big pile of books, So I said “really?… Whatever” , then she screwed up her face in anger and sharply hit me with her gloves. After that I said “that’s assault I should report you to the police” and she said, “do it.”

I then told her in no uncertain terms, that I thought she was a vile bully. I had heard allsorts of things about her over the last few months, and at the time I thought people to be overdramatic, and now I believed everything they had said about her. So  I told her , her she lived up to her bad reputation.

I managed to get to the car and then I ended up sobbing in the car. It took me about 15 minutes to calm down. I was in so much shock I had to cancel my clients for the morning and then spend time trying to sort Spirit out, with transport, to take him to his new yard. Thankfully my new yard owner, was happy for me to go early, she was very supportive.

Since this has happened several ex livery’s have come forward, and it seems I am not the only one to have gone through this kind of thing. So that did feel comforting in a way. I feel sad though, that I know other liveries will go through this, as it seems to be a repeated cycle with her.

Thankfully dude has settled in well at his new yard and hopefully we have landed on our feet.

Its easy to forget…

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It very easy, when I am stood in front of you, to forget that once upon a time, I couldn’t hardly even walk a step. That I struggled to string sentences together, and hold a conversation. I couldn’t think properly, remember properly. That I would often stand up, then instantly fall down. That I sent 2 years of my life, mostly bedridden. That I had to use a mobility scooter to get about, 2 walking sticks, and a stair lift to get upstairs.

I was diagnosed with Brain damage in my memory centre, and also brain damage where my balance centre communicates with my brain, hence why I kept falling over. I couldn’t even look at patterned floors without my poor brain getting confused, and getting horrendous vertigo.

Being told I have M.E almost seemed wrong, but that the diagnosis the neurologist gave me. They don’t know what caused the inflammatory damage in my brain, but its still there, there is no cure. So I had to learn to manage.

I fought really hard to come back from this, I had specialist physiotherapy, and still have to fight every single day. I am literally covered in bruises where I constantly lose my balance and smack into things. My memory is horrendous.

I do ok with a bit of help from gadgets to remember to do things, but it’s a bit of a running joke with my hubby, and best mate, about my lack of memory…

I am in constant pain, its hard to imagine that, when you look at me, and I am smiling, or laughing, or having a joke, I have become great at hiding it. When you see me hobbling, thats because its so bad I can’t hide it. Some days every step can be pure agony. I was eventually additionally diagnosed with Fibro as well, just to add insult to injury.

My mum got me a pony and it was my pony that became my therapy pony, he saved me from becoming too depressed and gave me a reason to keep fighting, and then eventually led to Spirit my wonder horse.

Spirit helps me fight every day, and now he has laminitis and is sick himself, I fight for him. I have to do it at my own pace but I fight for him. It’s frustrating when people don’t understand why I can’t do this, or can’t do that, but its not because I don’t want to, its because some days I just physically can’t do it. To have to explain constantly that I can’t do it because I have physical

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restrictions, is tiring, especially when I am sometimes met with disbelief or told, why do I have a horse, or some other such thing, which people have said to me in the past.

 

 

 

People get exasperated with me because I have forgotten something for the umpteenth time, and when I try to explain and say sorry, its my ME/Fibro, and they think I am just making excuses.

I actually had someone say that to me today ‘stop using your M.E as an excuse’. They just can’t see how far I have come. The fact that I am even standing in front of them, trying to explain anything, is actually a small miracle in itself.

But it does hurt! People say things without thinking or understanding, and it really hurts. I get really upset…I got really upset. This person made me cry. I spent all morning really upset about it. Then I have to remind myself, of how far I have come. Sometimes I think people who react negatively just don’t understand or comprehend how hurtful they are being.

I always do my best, and try my hardest.

We all cope differently, to our own challenges in life. We are individuals and we all do things in our own way.

All I ask is that people try to understand, and try to not get frustrated with me, I can’t help it, I don’t do it on purpose, I am not doing it to annoy you. Try to see how far I HAVE come. I am pretty proud of me to be honest.

Naughty Phoebe and the sheep, and Mr Hunky

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Well yesterday we were doing so well, with walking off the lead, and recall, that I let her onto the yard with her lead off. Big Mistake. There was just too much smells and stimulant and I couldnt get her to listen at all. She buggered off twice.

On the way to take hay out to the boys she got in with the sheep and I could not get her to come back for love nor money. She was fascinated and every time I got near her she would bounce away. Took Lucy to help me to catch her.

So she will have to be on lead on the yard, until her recall and listening skills improve. I was possibly expecting to much of her, as I have only had her for 6 days, and her discipline isnt great. Training, training, training!

I have joined a Springer forum to get tips.

We walked with Rizzo my friends horse, as I want her to get used to riding on the farm with me, she isn’t bothered by the horses at all, and doesn’t get excited around them, so all good.

Mr Hunky got given a permanent contract at work yesterday, its so nice for him to have the job security! He is so chuffed and I am really proud of him. 🙂

Doglet walking and housey stuff and filming

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Had a lovely walk with my 3 doglegs Phoebe, Betty and Freyja.

We took slightly the wrong route and ended up doing a much longer walk and I realised half way round that my trainers

just werent going to cut it and my already very sore ankles and legs and feet, thanks to my Fibro were protesting. Only pure stubbornness got me round. I grit my teeth worth every painful step, and I tried to see positives to make me smile. So here they are.

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Phoebe walked off lead most of the time and came back every time I called her, when I had a rest she kept me company 🙂

I heard this really unusual bird call, and it was lovely to hear all the birds singing, and then I heard a hawk calling.

I heard baby lambs calling to their mamma’s.

I met a nice (non weird) man and his doglet was lovely.

We saw a fallow deer on the way home 🙂

It was lovely an warm and sometimes a bit sunny.

Although I am really hurting, we did 4.14 miles!

So I had a lovely afternoon.

This morning I sorted tons of washing out, and all the doglets slept in the baskets at the bottom of the bed, which was very cute, and Rex gave in and played with Phoebe.

Then went to Simons to do some filming for is Equipeak exercise.

Lots done today 🙂

Mumsie, chickens and pack doglet improvements.

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Feel so bad for my mum this week, she has had such a rough time of it. She loves her chickens, they are what keep her going with her illness, and this week unfortunately she lost several of them due to a virus.

Went to see her this afternoon and she was so down, my heart went out to her, as she cried and I had to give her a big squeezey hug. She looked so sad and upset. She said “I know their only chickens”, but I know their not just chickens to her. She loves them, and her loss is no different to anyone else.  Just got home and she text me to say, she had lost one of the babies that she named ‘Boots’. She had a feeling he wasn’t well. So just a bad day for her. I felt so sad for her, losing them. Sigh.

Saw my besties new puppy today Millie, she is so adorable! 

Phoebe is doing so well, and the doglets seem to be being more tolerant of her, Rex actually wagged his tail at her today, which seems to be a good sign.

We let her off the lead a little bit today, she was such a good girl, came to us everytime we called her. Not quite yet confident for her to not have the lead on at all when at the yard, but she has met the boys 3 times now and each time has gone well. She isn’t scared of them, which is good, she stays close to Freyja and they even ran together today. So she is bonding slowly but surely. I think it would go faster if she wasnt such a bull in a china shop lol she sits on them and doesn’t even notice lol

I have such a lot of fun with her and she is so adorable.

Kids back to school tomorrow am looking forward to some peace and quiet. 🙂

Phoebe and nightime

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Well since we have had Phoebe she has found it hard to settle at night time, choosing to lie by the bedroom door.

I think she is settling with us a lot more, because she chose to go in her new bed and also slept in it all night and not on the floor :).

Phoebe is like all my dogs, a personality.

She is like a baby giraffe, all legs, at 10 months old she hasnt quite got control of them yet, and hysterically keeps falling over as she isnt used to laminated floor, falling off the sofa in excitement. Incredibly affectionate, she has to sleep on your lap, whether your comfortable or not lol. She is still in full on ‘I am a puppy’ stage. She wants to play all the time. She is very endearing. Cant help but love her already and we have only had her 3 days. Training in ernest starts Monday. I have been doing basic stuff with her and she responds well, so time to bring in the big guns. There is definitely a lot of brain in there.

The pack (Freyja, Rex, Kimi, Betty) are being much more tolerant of her. They did what they should do in a pack, sorting out the pecking order, telling her off, which I think she needs. Once she is fully integrated into the pack, I think pack walking will be great. I still have her on the extending lead until we get recall down with her.

She is a welcome addition to the family.

Phoebe, being sore, and Facebook rehab

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We have a new doglet called Phoebe, a chocolate Springer. She is gorgeous and 10 months old. We got her from a lady who is too ill to look after her.

Today was her day 3. She is a little mental, and like a baby giraffe on speed lol. She is so incredibly adorable and affectionate. Just needs discipline and routine and lots of positive re enforcement.

Today hunky came with me to see to my boys at the yard, and like yesterday I took her for a walk on the farm first, as its quite a long journey for her, and Freyja my jack Russell. Phoebe is still on an extending lead whilst I train her. But she has a good 7.5metres to play with. We did 2 miles, which I was able to know thanks to my cool pedometer on my iPhone.

Probably pushing it, with my M.E, we also took her and the pack for a walk on the common, as well, it was nearly another 2 miles. Betty and Rex were so naughty and had selective hearing, so much so, I had to put Rex on his lead. So it didn’t feel very relaxing, as we were constantly having to reprimand the naughty little buggers. Sigh.

Then my M.E kicked my ass big time. It has been so painful to walk. My feet are KILLING me. I have pain in my Achilles and hips and calfs. Which is making my gait all over the place and causing my back to hurt.

Think I going to have to press the doctor to help me , as I refuse to take a step backwards I have been managing to do so much more lately, and I don’t want to start getting knocked on my ass again.

Despite all the pain I am in, I enjoyed my afternoon 🙂

Big change in my life, is I have come off Facebook.

Just lately it makes me feel angry to read all the shit on there. People make me feel agitated with their viewpoints and opinions. I have never been tolerant of idiots or ignorant people, but I cannot believe the stupidity I see on there on a daily basis. People blindly copying and pasting hoaxes as truth. Bigotry, hate, meanness, intolerance (which in itself is ironic).

I find myself feeling upset, wound up, stressed, agitated and antagonistic.

Getting myself into trouble with my big gob, being a keyboard warrior, even with people I am friends with. I just can’t help myself.

I just couldn’t cope with it anymore.

When you feel like launching your MAC at the wall screaming in rage, its time to step away from it.

So I did, and for a self confessed Facebook addict, that was really a big thing!

Wonder how long it will last!?

Watch this space!! Lol

In reply to my friend Vanessa

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I really do know how you feel, the last few months have been a mammoth battle, that I seem to have had to drag myself through daily. I got to a stage where I was seriously at the end of my physical and emotional tether, and was ready to crack, and I honestly did not now how I was going to go on.

Lucy has been great and finding the new yard has been so much better for me.

I feel really down all the time at the moment, and totally intolerant of things I would normally have a high tolerance for, and feel quite antagonistic at the world in general.

I think the never ended crappy whether is not helping, am finding it hard to even find my inner smile at the moment. My confidence with myself, is at rock bottom, and just feel I am crap at everything, so whats the point, why bother doing it.Feel like I am constantly setting my self up for failure. Why put myself through the misery? I have no self belief.

Just feel really blah at the moment, and having really really painful feet at the moment as well, so every step is like walking on glass, bloody horrible when the things you enjoy doing the most involves walking on them!

So I can totally relate to everything you have said, and empathise a great deal.

I really want the warmer weather!!

In reply to: http://living-with-arthur.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/refusing-to-be-beaten.html

I Know

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tears2I know I just gave birth to you, after 36 hours of labour.

I know that I fought to have you, and loved you, as soon as I saw you.

I know that you were the most beautiful little boy I ever saw.

I know how bright, and creative you were through your childhood.

I know how you made me smile, when I tickled you, or told me, you loved me.

I know being a teenager was hard for you, and for us.

I know people caused you pain, and made you feel bad about yourself.

I know that I Loved you more, and supported you through this.

I know when you were in pain, I held your hand.

I know when you were angry about the injustice, I fought your corner.

I know you helped me, when I was very ill.

I know when you were scared, I was ready to do battle for you.

I know that you did battle with me, causing me physical damage.

I know how hard that was for me to deal with, but I still did.

I know I made myself more ill, to love and support you through your illness.

I know that your pain, and the darkness you felt, filled me with fear.

I know I have never felt so scared for someone I love.

I know I was terrified we would lose you, and that caused me deep anxiety.

I know that the stress of loving you, nearly caused me to have a nervous breakdown.

I know as your Mother, I would have done anything to stop your pain.

I know I supported you, and encouraged you, even when it was very hard.

I know I was the one that helped you, to get where you are today.

I know I was the one that fought to get you out of school.

I know I was the one, who rang everyday to get you tutors.

I know if I hadn’t you wouldn’t have passed your exams.

I know I would have camped on their doorstep, until I got what you needed.

I know if I hadn’t done that, you wouldn’t be able to forfill your dreams.

I know I am not perfect.

I know I made mistakes.

I know I am only human.

I know I did everything in my power.

I know when things got too hard, too volatile, I had to let you go.

I know it was the right thing to do.

I know it didn’t mean I stopped loving you, it just meant I loved me too.

I know I am proud of everything you have achieved through your demons.

I know your hard work, and my hard work, got you there.

I know that you not caring about my important things, hurts me.

I know that you not remembering simple things hurts me.

I know that not you not remembering me, makes me feel invisible.

I know that it hurts me to my core.

I know your life is important to you, and right now its all you can see.

I know that even though you hurt me, I will always be here.

I know that you made your Mother cry.

Never Underestimate The Power Of The Eyebrow.

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So I took my eyebrows to be tortured, I had them threaded, I would normally have them waxed, as I like my torture over and done with as quickly as possible, but I find waxing doesn’t give me a good shape, so a friend recommended threading. The photos I took the other day made me realise how much they badly needed doing.

I was a little naive in the sense of what this was actually going to involve. Sure I watched a YouTube video, to give me an idea, but it didn’t actually prepare me for the searing pain, that was

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going to ensue! It was slightly my own fault,  as my eyebrows were bushier than the rainforest lol. Even the lady who threaded my eyebrows kinda nervously laughed, when I volunteered the information that I hadn’t had them done in about…oh umm lets see, 2 years. ‘I will do my best’, she said. Well as you can see from the photo >>>> She did a great job, although I did look like someone had burned my eyebrow skin for a while LOL. Hunky kept laughing at me.

MY GOD it hurt like a bastard, which each run of the thread, it took all my will power to not jump out of the chair. I grit my teeth until my jaw ached, and rammed my feet against the wall, to stop myself jumping every time she ran at it. However despite all that, it didn’t hurt as much as plucking, and she told me that of I had it regularly done every 3 weeks that it wouldn’t hurt as much. Actually considering I have an inflamed central nervous system (which means I feel pain far more), that I hadn’t reacted any differently to anyone else she had tortured…I mean threaded.

All in all, despite the pain, I thought the result was better than having them waxed, and much less painful than having them plucked 🙂